


and your smile falters (under knowing eyes)

by dustsheet



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, and the others too - Freeform, hakyeon-centric, neo is mostly hinted though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 11:31:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7313530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustsheet/pseuds/dustsheet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakyeon is beyond exhausted and also hurt but it doesn't matter, for he's the leader of vixx. He would do anything for them if only it meant it would keep them going forever, including wearing himself out. But that doesn't mean he can't rely on someone else, sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and your smile falters (under knowing eyes)

The location of his schedule is a long way from their dorms, and even though their manager picked him up with the van halfway through the trip back, Hakyeon still feels as if he was bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders. It does not help that he can't get any sleep in the car, for the knowledge that he's going to practice in a little bit both wears him out and makes him unexpectedly unable to give in to unconsciousness. He's reminded by their manager that he still has some time to rest before getting back to their practice room where the others are already dancing and singing with all their might, and that he should make the most of his time. 

But Hakyeon just can't sleep. His eyelids feel unbearably heavy and they shut close as soon as his head sets down on the back of his seat but his thoughts are running miles per hour and he just has too many things on his mind to even consider falling into slumber. It's stupid: car rides are one of the best moments to get some sleep before getting back to schedules and practice, but he just can't help it. It's as if his body was on the verge of slipping out from his grasp, rolling down the tortuous road of sleep, yet his mind is wide awake and doesn't let him get any rest. 

So instead of sleeping, and because he's too tired to have a discussion with their manager, Hakyeon turns on his ipod. He put the earphones in his ears, closes his eyes and lets his thoughts wander as he shuts himself from the world for a while.

**►►**

It's already past one in the morning when he finally puts a foot into their practice room, and he's greeted by a bare faced and extremely sleepy looking Jaehwan. He waves at him and gives him a small smile before getting back to his own occupations. The leader tours the small place, checking on everyone and telling them to go to the biggest room so they can practice the choreography together again. He can easily read the tracks of sleepiness on all of their faces too, and even though there's a tiny hint of guilt floating in the back of his mind, he ignores it, claps his hands together and turns the music on.

He makes them repeat again and again until he's satisfied. Then, he finally dismisses them, telling them to get some well deserved rest, to go back to their dorm and sleep everything off in their bed. Each one of them have exhaustion written all over their faces, he notices again as he watches them walk out the door one by one. Wonsik, Jaehwan and Taekwoon are already out of the room by the time Sanghyuk turns around and asks him if he's going to stay with a drowsy voice. When he replies yes, Hongbin looks back at him with narrowed eyes, telling him to take care of himself and not to force too much. There's the smallest silence before Hakyeon's lips stretches into a smile as he approaches the two youngest.

“Aigoo~! Such lovely dongsaengs! Don't worry too much about your hyung and only about getting a good night's sleep!” he exclaims, pulling on their clothes and trying to get a hug out of the both of them. 

They escape before he can manage to do so and he yells a “yah, come back here!”, laughing as they flee the scene giggling like the sleepy idiots they are. 

When they disappear around the corner however, Hakyeon notices that Taekwoon is here, watching him, a few meters away, with dark eyes reflecting a feeling that he can't seem to decipher. It makes him a little uneasy and his laugh is soon swallowed down to silence. After a minute though, he flashes him back a small smile and manages to voice out a soft “good night Taekwoonie” before turning around and leaving his friend in the empty corridor. 

(he goes back to their practice room, shuts the door close and lets his smile fall.)

**►►**

It's only when Hakyeon feels exhaustion in every of his pores, his bangs sticking to his forehead with sweat and the sole of his feet aching with every contact of the floor that he decides to take a break. He bends towards his bottle of water not without a wince, catches it and gulps down most of the liquid. His legs are weak and he's more than pleased to be able to lie down on the couch of their practice room, breathe still hasty and an arm leaning against his forehead. His chest heaves softly as he tries to slow down his slightly quickened heartbeat.

The only noises in the room are the ones of his messy breathe and the clock tickling the seconds.

Hongbin is right, he shouldn't force himself too much. His back is still aching from his fall at the showcase and he needs to take it easy to recover. He has already worsened his condition by dancing carelessly even after hurting himself. Now, he doesn't want to worry his precious dongsaengs any further and knows where lie his own boundaries.  
Hakyeon isn't an idiot and is even far from being anything close to irresponsible. He knows as much as anyone else that his body and mind need rest. That he needs to lie down on his futon and drowns himself into a dreamless slumber. 

But for now, the pain keeps him grounded somehow. And the feeling of dancing under dim lights, blood pumping to the music and muscles tensing and clenching to the efforts is enough to make him forget.  
It allows him to escape his own thoughts or the too small for comfort room where they all sleep which feel more than too often suffocating to the leader. It allows him to avoid spending the darkest time of the night staring at the ceiling for hours in wonder, his mind left wandering instead of shutting itself to find peace. It allows him to escape the ordeal of finding himself still wide awake when the sun rise, lip stuck in between his teeth, breathe shallow and messy.  
Practicing allows him to avoid the stifling silence of their small room, and keeps the wonders and unpleasing thoughts at bay. 

It keeps him from thinking about harsh comments left on their fancafe, about the uneasy feeling spreading through his heart, or about the complaints and lack of understanding from the people he cares for. 

He tries to keep himself from thinking about efforts that go in vain. Ones that are being unrecognized by unknowing eyes.

A “don't come home too late, hyung, it's cold outside” from Wonsik is what the phone reads. He can distinctly feel his back starting to ache and his skin prickling, but mostly the thoughts are back. He lets out a small sigh as he pushes the phone to the side. 

He tries to remember to take care of himself, but ends up pushing himself to his feet again in the middle of their practice room and loses his breath to the beat.

**►►**

The night is dark and silent, and the freezing wind makes Hakyeon shiver in cold. He huffs, and his breathe leaves small clouds of steam hanging in the air. He eyes them until they eventually fade away. Every of his footstep leaves a fresh track in the white snow which is falling slowly on the top of his dark hair and on the hard sullied ground. His hands have been made stiff by the weather and he tries his best to rub them together and to blow some warm air on them to get away from the keen pain, in vain.

It's so late that it's almost early, and there's no one on the streets. Hakyeon lets himself be expressionless for a while, lets his mask fall down in the darkest time of the night. It's his precious minutes alone, when no one is watching, when no one can witness the exhaustion which is drawing every of his features in the day and when none of his members nor fans can actually worry too much about him.

The silence around him is soothing and it makes him yearn for more time like this: for the night to be longer and their home farther, although he is freezing to death and craving for warmth and a hot shower. 

His thoughts are left wandering and he bats them away again, for they are taking over his mind more often than he would like. He's almost at the dorm by the time he finally puts his hands in his pockets and is surprised by this, for he remembered the way back to be longer. 

However, even if the night feels welcome in the most unexpected way, he doesn't say no to the warmth and comfort of their small cozy home.

**►►**

The first thing Hakyeon notices when he steps into their flat is the lingering fragrance of well cooked food, which makes his heart flutters happily in his chest. A lazy smile grows on his face when he puts down his belongings on the floor and catches sight of the wrapped food left on the table in the middle of their dining room. He takes some time to read the messy handwriting of Taekwoon on the small piece of paper besides the plate, before standing up again, looking for pajamas and some fresh underwear in their room, and going to the bathroom, his heart filled with affection and gratitude.

**►►**

Hakyeon flinches under the burning water rolling down the expanse of his wounded back. The pain is sharp: it makes his body ache and causes him to lose his breathe, but he doesn't get out of the shower for the feeling of the water trailing down the rest of his body and washing him from his sweat and thoughts is worth it. His previously tensed muscles relax with the hot temperature and he hums a quiet melody as he shampoos his dark hair.

He feels almost light-headed.

**►►**

He finds Taekwoon silently sitting in their living room when he eventually walks out of the bathroom, hair still dripping wet as he wipes it with a dry towel. He sits down in front of him, the coffee table in between them.

“What are you doing, still awake at this hour? Don't you all have a free morning tomorrow? Did I make too much noise?” 

Hakyeon almost know the schedule of each member by heart and he's certain that they all have a schedule-free morning tomorrow.  
(except for hakyeon. hakyeon barely ever have one.) 

Taekwoon's eyes are dark and intense, shining under the dull light, and they don't waver when he answers in his ever so quiet voice.

“I couldn't sleep so I made myself a warm drink.” 

Hakyeon nods in silence in response.

“Taekwoon-ah.” he speaks up after a while, with a small voice and a warm smile. “Thank you so much for the food! I'm going to eat well!” 

Taekwoon only nods and sips on his drink, and so Hakyeon takes the bowl closer and digs in rather gleefully. His best friend is a good cook so it only adds to the pleasure he feels when the food finally reaches his tongue and the taste spreads itself in his palate. He hums in delight and keeps on eating, filling his empty stomach with more rice and side dishes.

The silence is comforting around them. It's the kind of silence they always share late at night, and with no words voiced out in the open air, it allows them to find a moment of peace in their usually restless everyday life.  
Hakyeon eats without any care until he eventually catches Taekwoon boring into him on the other side of the table. His eyes are so focused on him that it makes his heart throbs in anxiety. He gulps down, avoiding the intense stare of his closest friend. 

Then, he takes a short breathe and gives him a faint smile before focusing back to his bowl. 

Hakyeon feels as if the atmosphere had become utterly heavy in the matter of seconds and finds it suddenly hard to swallow. The dish tastes a little blander than before, but it's still delicious somehow, and he just contents himself with this. 

He knows what the look on the singer's face means. It asks him to spill everything out, to tell him what's bothering him and bringing him down. What Hakyeon usually keeps for himself under bright smiles which can fool everyone except for Taekwoon. Because Taekwoon knows Hakyeon almost better than he does, because he is observant and doesn't miss the slightest twitch of his lips when a harsh comment is thrown to their leader -or any of them for that matter-. 

The look on Taekwoon's face demands answers. But they are answers that Hakyeon can't give.

They are answers that Hakyeon himself would rather bury deep down in the furthest part of his heart and mind. Answers that he'd rather ignore and never voice out, for he's afraid that speaking about them would only make them realer and, they are unnecessary anyway, so why bother?  
(it doesn't keep them from hurting, though.) 

He doesn't need such thoughts. Because he is a proud leader. He's proud of being part of VIXX and proud of every of his members. He is proud of their always growing maknae, SangHyuk, who is learning a bit more every day and gaining confidence and charisma with every passing second. He is proud of his handsome brother-like Hongbin, with his honest laugh and hard-work. He is proud of their charismatic rapper Wonsik, who is always writing lyrics at night when he should be taking the time to rest. He is proud of precious adorable Jaehwan, who never fails to amaze him with his beautiful voice or to make him laugh until tears well up in the corner of his eyes. Lastly, he is proud of Taekwoon. His lifelong friend, quiet and warm hearted Taekwoon, who is slowly opening up to the world day by day and who hums soft pretty ballads in their waiting room. He loves them all dearly and would do anything for them if only it meant it would keep them going forever. Including wearing himself out. Because they all do, only he just a tiny bit more than them.

It doesn't matter that they've passed the whole year doing promotions after promotions and that the first signs of exhaustion have since long settled upon them. It doesn't matter that he has the most schedules out of all of them, for he is the leader of vixx and needs to take everything which is offered to them to make them only just a tiny bit more known to the public. It doesn't matter that he is living hours from his hometown, hours from his family, and that he doesn't recount the last time he has spent some valuable time with them. It doesn't matter that his voice is sometimes hoarse from singing and that his muscles are aching from the hours spent practicing until dawn. It doesn't matter that he has badly hurt his back when he fell off the stage during their global showcase finale in Seoul. It doesn't matter that he has shrugged it off as if it was nothing, said to their fans that it was nothing, made himself believe that it was nothing, until the pain grew worse and he had to restrain his movements. It doesn't matter that he has gotten scathing -and hurtful- comments about how he has been ignoring starlights after their stage. It doesn't matter that he has concealed how his back was aching, for he didn't want to worry them and that he is now getting harsh words in response on the fancafe because he has made the mistake to let the mask slip from his face for a few minutes. It doesn't matter that he reads discussions about how annoying, loud and how much of an attention-whore he is, about how he takes all the activities for himself and doesn't let any for the other members. It doesn't matter that their fans don't understand. It doesn't matter how it seems that his efforts go to waste, washed away by the twisted way people observe things. It doesn't matter that he can't find it in himself to cry anymore but that the lump in his throat feels as if it's going to choke him right on the spot sometimes. It doesn't matter that drops of water still roll down his cheeks and fall upon his pillow late at night. 

It doesn't matter because he is the leader of VIXX. It's his responsibility. He loves VIXX and he loves Starlights, and that is supposed to be enough.  
(and even if it does get heavy at times, suffocating and exhausting. vixx is just the precious burden which he carries on his shoulders and which somehow ends up crushing him a bit more each day. but vixx is also what is keeping him afloat and breathing ) 

So if Taekwoon doesn't talk first, he won't either. He knows that his friend is only showing care, but he can't bring himself to talk about such insecurities which constricts his heart until he finds himself struggling for air and yet would probably sounds ridiculous to his own ears, once dropped from his tongue. He doesn't even know how to voice them out, anyway. So instead, he keeps on eating what the singer has made for him while he was away, appreciating the attention, focusing on this mere feeling.

**►►**

After a while, he notices that something is moving in front of him from the corner of his eye and hears rustling of clothes. He looks up only to meet the sight of Taekwoon slowly standing up from the ground and absentmindedly ruffling his own hair.

"I'm going back to sleep. Don't stay up too late.” 

Hakyeon follows the singer with his eyes, watching him as he reaches the door. Then he nods slowly, his lips stretching into a smile.

“Of course! I'm just going to finish eating this and then I'll go to bed, don't worry Taekwoon-ah.” 

There's a frozen moment when neither of them move, and then Hakyeon can hear a loud sigh breaking the relative silence of the room. 

“It's because you tell me not to, that i worry even more.” the taller half whispers in his soft voice, eyes tired as they stare into Hakyeon's own ones. 

Then, he grips the handle, pulls it, closes the door behind him, and Hakyeon is left alone in the room once more.

**►►**

When Hakyeon lies down on his futon, later, he makes sure not to make any noise and to be turned towards his friend's side. He can still make out the shape of Taekwoon's broad back facing him through the darkness, and a small lazy smile lights up his face as he watches the body move evenly with peaceful breathes. He remains in that position for a while, analyzing the patterns on Taekwoon's back -he's the main translator after all, right?-, his eyes threatening to close because of the exhaustion taking over him.

Finally, Hakyeon reaches out for his friend's pajamas t-shirt, holds onto it weakly and moves closer only to slowly rests his forehead against Taekwoon's back. For a few moments, the taller one stays still and Hakyeon really does believe it will stay as it is. But then, he feels his headrest shying away from him, and hears the rustling of sheets and blankets besides him. He does not meet his friend's eyes in the obscurity, but witnesses him pulling the blanket back over the both of them, taking the leader's pillow to put it under his head and softly pushing Hakyeon's head back against his chest and neck. 

A thankful smile graces his lips as he shuts his eyes. Hakyeon evens up his breathing with the other's, and listens to the slow beating of Taekwoon's heart before exhaustion finally claims him. 

 

It's alright, even if he can't give him the answers he's asking for. It's alright because he understands what Taekwoon meant earlier and what he's telling him now. It's his way of showing that he cares, and that he's here to listen if he needs to. And even if it's not something he can talk about yet, for now, knowing and enjoying his best friend's warmth is already enough.

It doesn't make miracles nor does it take the weight off his shoulders, but it means a lot not to be the only one wearing it all.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ, written years ago. I'm not a native speaker so sorry for any mistake!  
> It takes place during Voodoo doll and before they perform Thank you for being born, inspired by [the answer of hakyeon on "to me vixx is?"](http://fyeah-vixx.com/post/32654050973/vixx-for-junior-magazine-n-interview) for junior magazine, him talking about [falling off the stage during their showcase](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLRw71XfvlE&feature=youtu.be&t=4m15s), [his fancafe post](http://fyeah-vixx.com/post/72682008869/to-st-rlight-n-to-my-starlights) where he apologized for not interacting with starlights when he was trying to relieve his pain, the long discussions spent talking with my sister about hakyeon (the way hakyeon restrained his dance after a while, etc etc) and probably other things.


End file.
